I woke up Saturday afternoon after a massive night out with people from work, feeling hungover and seedy as all hell. I decided that some food and rehydration was in order, followed by a full-body massage at a local upmarket health spa.

I was having a nice peaceful time while I was given the massage until 20 minutes in, when through the dulcet tones of the relaxation music came the stifled “hai! hai! HAI!’s” of a Japanese man receiving a topless hand-shandy from a masseur in the room adjoining mine. I soon realised that “happy endings” were on the menu when I was deftly rolled over on to my back and had the towel whipped away from under me without so much as a by-your-leave.

My masseur and I struggled for what seemed an eternity over the towel as she refused to give it back to cover my modesty. It’s amazing just how much strength a 5-foot, 40 kilogram Thai girl has in her arms. I told her in broken Thai that I was just there for the massage and that full-body didn’t necessarily mean “full body”, but still she kept stopping every five minutes to wink at me and make the international sign for handjob.

I walked out after it was all over with a guilty look on my face, despite foregoing the full service, and I think I left feeling more tense than when I arrived. Maybe next time I should just give in and…err…go with the flow.

If this is the kind of service you get at a normal health spa, god only knows what they get up to here.