When I first decided to start a blog about my time in Thailand, I promised myself two things. The first was that I would try to only write about my positive experiences – it’s a very common and easy mistake for the new expatriate to constantly disclaim how “bad” or “wrong” things are, simply because it’s different from what they’re used to back home. The food sux, the people are stupid, the weather is shite etc etc. I didn’t want to do that.

The second thing I promised myself was that I wouldn’t copy and paste content from other sites or news sources. Too many thai-related blogs simply copy stuff from the newspapers and tag a five line comment on the end of the article. That’s not blogging in my books.

But today I break both rules.

Living in a foreign country with different languages, social and cultural values is a hard thing to do. It’s very different from going on holiday. I have for the most part managed to change my ingrained notions of what is right or wrong, good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable. Instead I silently repeat the mantra “well, This Is Thailand (TIT)” in my head and accept things as just being different. But there’s one thing that I cannot seem to stop from getting under my skin, and that’s the way people drive cars in Thailand.

Thais for the most part are a friendly lot, after all it is called “The Land Of Smiles (LOS)” for a reason. But get your average Thai behind the wheel of a car, and suddenly they think they’re Keanu Reeves driving the bus in Speed, and nothing, I mean NOTHING can convince them to use the brakes, or stay in one lane, or indicate, or exercise any form of common sense and courtesy at all.

So when I saw this list of “Road Rules” posted in the Farang Affairs section of The Nation newspaper (apologies Phil), I realised I wasn’t alone in my puzzlement and frustration.

Thailand Road Rules 2005

1. Ensure your vehicle comes to a full stop before paying bribe
2. To facilitate traffic flow, please have correct amount of bribe ready
3. Drivers of luxury European cars are not required to stop at Police checkpoints
4. If involved in a minor traffic accident, try to ensure that at least two lanes of traffic are blocked, and do not move vehicles until police arrive three hours later
5. Give way to Bus drivers fleeing the scene of an accident
6. Motorcyclists must wear helmets sometimes
7. Be considerate and allow short people and old ladies to the front at horrific accident scenes
8. Exercise care while driving under the influence of alcohol, especially if talking on mobile phone
9. It is mandatory for motorcyclists to switch on headlights during the daytime. Switching on headlights at night time is optional
10. A series of white, evenly spaced rectangular markings occasionally found painted across roads are known as “pedestrian crossings”. Ignore them

Start of five line comment
The last rule particularly gets up my nose, as I have to cross a major six lane road twice a day getting to and from work. It’s like playing human Frogger, a game I was never particularly good at. Only problem is I can’t for the life of me get “an extra man”. If this site doesnt get updated for two weeks, you’ll know I’ve been squashed by Keanu Reeves hurtling down the road in a tuk tuk at 80 kilometres an hour.