Well as the title suggests, my wedding diet isn’t exactly going according to plan but at least I haven’t put on weight, so that’s something, even if I haven’t lost any either.

The big news this week is that yesterday we were officially married in the eyes of the law when we got our wedding certificate from the Phaya Thai Amphur (District Office).

Was it a beautiful, wondrously romantic moment to treasure for the rest of our lives? In a single mono-syllabic word, no. We arrived at the registry office early to avoid any queues, only to be told by dour-faced public servant #1 that because I was a farang the process would take several hours as opposed to the 15 minutes it took another Thai couple beside us to get their certificate.

Dour-faced public servant #2 who was #1’s senior took us away to her desk where I was asked the same questions as I had provided answers to on the form I submitted, then she went away with my passport and came back with a photocopy, returning the passport to me. She repeated this process a half-dozen times, came and went each time with a new piece of paper to be stamped, scrutinised and scribbled on.

Eventually the marriage license was granted but only after MyTGF was made to sign a piece of paper telling her that (according to MyTGF’s rough translation) “farangs often marry Thai girls when they dont really love the girl, and take them away to foreign countries and sell them as sex slaves – are you really sure you want to marry this guy who is possibly a poo-ying-pimping, thai-trafficking fiendish farang?”

Under normal circumstances I’d have been furious with this out-and-out racist nonsense, but after all it was our wedding day and I wasn’t going to have a tantrum in the middle of the registry office and ruin the occasion, resplendant with romance and happiness as it was [yes I’m being sarcastic].

With not so much as a courteous “wai” or a smile and “good luck with your future” we were ushered out into the street. There we were, the bride and gloom, tarried, harried, but ultimately married. Here’s hoping the actual ceremony and reception in 10 days time (jesus! so soon!) will give us something to remember.