Last Saturday I had the unenviable task of having to meet MyTGF’s mum for the first time. I’d been putting it off for some time as my Thai is less than adequate and her mum’s English is non-existent. This, combined with the knowledge that simply meeting the mum is tantamount to asking for my girlfriends hand in marriage meant that it would be a serious occasion and not to be taken lightly.

The previous Thursday over drinks I’d asked my bosses – both who have been here over 12 years each and married to Thai women – about the various protocols and do’s and don’ts etc when meeting “Khun Mair” (Mother) for the first time. Their advice to me was “just sit there and grin like an idiot all the time, nod your head submissively and say “krup pom” (yes sir/madam) when ever Mum speaks to you, eat whatever is put in front of you – down to every last grain of rice, and you’ll be alright”. Tongues firmly in cheek, they also said I would be looked favourably upon if I bought Mum a small gift such as, say a kilo of gold or a new car etc.

So with some (actually a lot of) trepidation the big day finally arrived and I shuffled off to the designated meeting place – Suan Lum Night Bazaar, chosen due its abundance of restaurants, bars, and of course shops. I had no idea how we would manage a conversation, as Khun Mair came from a poor provincial family, and has never spoken to a farang in her life, and I couldn’t think for the life of me what we could possibly have in common.

I have discovered a new cure for anxiety – it is called “beer”

I greeted Khun Mair with the traditional Thai “wai” (hands clasped together as if in prayer, and raised to forehead height) which I’d been coached for days before on how to perform properly. There are all sorts of intricately different ways to “wai” someone depending on their age and social status compared to yours. You’d think I was being groomed to meet the queen, and as far as Thai family status goes, compared to my and Khun Mair’s pecking order in the family, I might as well have been.

We immediately sat down to a shared meal at a local eatery inside the bazaar, and I’m not sure who was more nervous, me, MyTGF or Khun Mair. However I have discovered a new cure for anxiety (forget your Xanax rubbish) -it is called “beer”, and all three of us availed ourselves of several 1/2 litre glasses of the german variety -and lo, our ailments were cured. We soon got into a conversation about Formula One (Khun Mair is a big fan), beer, food, and shopping. Gifts were exchanged, everything went well, I made no faux pas’, and before you knew it we were all back at my apartment watching Thai soap operas ‘til the wee hours (MyTGF – the things I do for you…)

Of course I didn’t understand a word of it, but i took my bosses advices and sat there grinning like an idiot while they gossiped about the soap stars and drank my fridge dry.

Apparently the night was such a success that I’ve been invited to treat Khun Mair to this event every month – lucky me! I’d best go and practice my wai-ing and grinning now…