Right now I am the happiest man in the far east. I have a new Thai girlfriend and a Big Mac in my stomach. Is that all it takes to make Your Man On The Ground a contented soul, and how are these things related you might ask? Well slow down a minute and I’ll tell you.

You know how it is. Just when you turn your back on hope and give up dreaming about the things you most desire, that’s when they come along. And sometimes they’ve been right under your nose the whole time. The same logic applies to girlfriends and greasy burgers too.

...I was simply and directly told – don’t fuck the staff…

I’ve been friends with my new girlfriend for about seven months, as we worked for the same company. I’d always fancied her I think, but when I first started work in Bangkok, one of my bosses drew me aside and whispered that I was not allowed to “piss in the company pool” as he put it. When I asked for further clarification as to what he meant, I was simply and directly told – “DON’T. FUCK. THE. STAFF!”. So I didn’t.

Fortune however smiled on me at last and rewarded me for my patience, as my (now) girlfriend left the company I work for, allowing me to err…pee freely, as it were. My girlfriend is so far everything I could have hoped for or wanted in a partner. She is at turns smart and gorgeously childlike, loves to laugh yet she thinks too much, and is both extremely shy and sexy at the same time, and she takes amazing care of me. I feel blessed.

Blessed, except for the fact that tonight I found myself at home after a hard day at the office slaving over a hot computer, without so much as one satang in my wallet as all the ATM’s were down and there was nothing in the fridge to eat either. And by nothing I mean half a stale avocado, some leftover tim-tams my mother sent over at Christmas, and two jars of vegemite. And for the life of me I couldn’t remember any recipes from The Naked and/or Iron Chef that used those ingredients.

I changed into my jeans and flip-flops (god, I really am becoming Thai) and trudging outside again I went to every ATM machine within a one mile radius trying to withdraw some money, all to no avail. I got back home tired, hungry, and pissed off. I called my girl to relate my woes and say my goodbyes, as I would surely not last the night without sustenance. She laughed. I cried. Or was it the other way around – by this stage I was delirious with hunger and ready to engage in criminal acts in order to satisfy the beast in my stomach.

While talking on the phone she asked me if I still had the free movie voucher we’d picked up a few days before. I reached into my jeans pocket thinking I’d pull out a piece of paper, but instead I pulled out several crisp bank notes I’d forgotten about – 90 baht worth to be precise! Just enough to buy an 89 baht Big Mac Combo set from the local MacSomchai’s. I ran all the way there, almost getting hit by a car in my haste. But soon I found my belly full of the wholesome family goodness that only a burger and fries washed down with postmix cola can bring. After all, there’s only so much rice a man can take, and I was sated at last.

So now I have a full belly and a warm fuzzy glow in my trousers heart thanks to my girlfriend. Speaking of which…despite her best intentions and willingness to learn English, her grammar is far from perfect (tempo-la-lla-ly). After spending the weekend together she sent me an email Monday morning trying to tell me she had a good feeling about us being together – unfortunately it didn’t quite come out right:

...today I have very good feel in the morning and hope you have a good feel too.

Have a wonderful day, see you evening

xxxxx

Well of course I had a good feel too. It’s only natural, innit. Let’s just hope I don’t go blind.