Richard C Hoagland is an asshole
I recently came across the uber-cool Google Mars web application, and of course the first thing I did was go looking for the infamous "face on Mars" located in the Cydonia region of our red neighbour. As a teenager I recall being handed a video of a conference where a man trying desperately hard to look like Chuck Norris explained this mysterious mountain and its mathematical connections to Egypts' pyramids and other outlandish theories that today make me laugh to recall.
However at the time as an acne-ridden gullible pre-cursor to Fox Mulder, I wanted to believe. I love the idea of extraterrestrial life (God couldn't have been so stupid as to make humankind the paradigm for universal intelligence could he?)
According to the wikipedia entry-
"...Hoagland has made numerous claims about the existence of extraterrestrial life (or intelligence, at some point), which he believes is supported by the presence of the so-called Face on Mars. He claims that the face was part of a city built on Cydonia Planitia by extraterrestrial intelligences. The "city" apparently consists of very large pyramids and mounds arranged in a geometrical pattern, with the ratios between measured angles roughly equaling mathematical constants like pi, e and the square root of two...and so on and so forth.
So back to Google Mars. For those of you who don't have the bandwidth (sux to be you) or the bother to go searching for it yourself, I've posted a screenshot from the Google Mars application for you.
Besides Google putting a big, fat, green balloon RIGHT ON TOP OF THE ONLY FEATURE ON THE FUCKING PLANET WORTH LOOKING AT, it DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE A FACE! Not even Mr Potato-Head's. Not EVEN Oprah Winfrey's.
Thus, the only correct conclusion to be drawn here is - HOAGLAND IS A LYING SHITBAG...OR IS HE? You will notice that you can't zoom all the way into the face like you can other areas of the planet, leaving us to ponder the possibility that Hoagland, Google, and Nasa are all in on some devious plan to hide the truth from us by preventing us from getting a good look at what is obviously evidence of extraterrestrial life. The answer to this and other questions is: